A Self Realization of a Woman with Balls

bittersweet

2011-06-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

"....like i said, i'm not going to make it difficult for you, no matter how it pains me..."

dead end....

2011-01-19T09:22:00.000-08:00

madly in love with each other but isn't happy, tired, and fed up
the person you love most, does not have the number 1 quality in your list
should be busy to get things off your mind but keeps getting sick
happy but wrong timing
separated but still living under the shadow
a lot of options but chose not to make one so you won't get hurt.

its just a dead end.

f*ck!

tempted but

2011-01-17T10:20:00.000-08:00

reach out my hand to you
offer whatever i have in my hands
invite you out for a movie or to dine out

but i just can't or i'd rather not to...

Ako Ay Kontrabida

2011-01-07T01:36:00.000-08:00

Masama ang loob ko. Hindi ko alam kng tama ba itong nararamdaman ko o bunga lang ng ika nga madalas naming gamiting terminolohiya – ‘series of unfortunate events’.

I am a very opinionated person. I always say what’s on my mind and what I feel in the best way I can para hindi lang basta sinabi mo. Para tumagos. Magkasilbi ang mga salitang binibitiwan ko. I couldn’t define if having an expressive personality is a blessing or a curse. Kasi 11 out of 10 na argumento, pagtatalo, tampuhan, pagkakagalit at paghihiwalay, ikaw ang lumalabas na masama. Ikaw ang may kasalanan, ikaw ang kontrabida.

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ko pa kayang sabihin na wala akong pakielam sa mga sinasabi ng mga taong ga- lugaw ang utak. Walang pakielam meaning, I won’t do anything about it. I would not defend; I would not explain myself to these creatures. Gaya ng palagi kong sinasabi, people who doesn’t matter will mind; and people who does matter won’t.

Pero, hindi porket sinasabi kong wala akong pakielam, hindi na masakit. Lalong lalo na kung walang katotohanan ang mga binabato nila sayo. Sila na wala namang karapatan at wala namang mga alam sa totoong nangyayari.

Mahirap man tanggapin para sa inyong makikitid ang utak pero totoo na kaming mga kontrabida, may damdamin din, naargabyado din, nasasaktan, napapagod.

Ang Tanong....

2011-01-07T01:29:00.000-08:00

Bakit ngayong lang? Bakit ngayon pa? Sino ka ba? Anong alam mo? Anong karapatan mo? Ito na ba talaga? Tapos na ba? Hanggang kailan ba 'tong ganto? Paano na ung... ? Siya nga ba? Pagkakataon na ba ito? Dapat pa ba?

MATURITY...

2010-12-09T02:55:00.000-08:00

doesn’t really come with age or the things that you can do.

Sometimes it is choosing not to do it even if you can. And if you did something you shouldn’t? that doesn’t make you immature by default … its owning what you did and taking responsibility for it.

loosing...

2010-11-29T05:08:00.000-08:00

feels like im loosing my best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life and possible future happines...

all at the same time...

80-20

2010-11-28T00:32:00.000-08:00

There could never be a perfect relationship.

A very good friend once told me about this 80-20% . There will always be this 20% characteristic from your partner that you really cannot stand – for them having this, or not having this. And then there’s this 80% that made you fall for them…
With the 20% , its either you get it from somebody else, something else or just bear with it.

If it is as simple as a habit that can be changed, or improved or if it is something really tolerable then you could be a one happy couple.
But if it is something that defines your whole being, which will eventually, dictate your future and the future of your relationship…. A lot of thinking should be made….

Is the 20% so worth it for you to give up that 80% you already have?

which is it?

2010-11-21T04:17:00.000-08:00

People commit themselves into a relationship to discipline themselves and not be carried away nor indulge in the cheap thrills. But why do they still find themselves amused by somebody else aside from their partner? Is it because they are always not contented and wanted more. Is it because they are sick of an incurable disease of infidelity. Or is it just simply because they aren’t really meant for each other?

N.F.F. (New Found Friend) has now a new meaning...

2010-11-09T08:57:00.000-08:00

We met at a birthday party. At first, she reminded me of an old someone (let's just leave the term at that!). We both caught each others' attention by using our magic charm - humiliating ourselves just to make the people laugh. For a couple of hours, we had our chance to be the life of the party.

After a few e-mails of silly willies, a chat until dawn and, an endless talk over cup of tea... I found myself absorbing all these intense emotions that have been longing to come out. It seems like her entire being flashed on my face. Later did I know that the silence I speak gives her so much comfort, that it actually brought her feelings back. She was alive once again.

But these feelings of hers were of the past, and it has been decided that it should never came back. I somehow served as her “flashback of the feelings – machine”. It’s just that it feels good to reminisce that once in her life, she was able experience those moments.

All along I though I was just the only one who was giving in this New Found Friendship. As what she always says, I thought it’s a one way street. But today, as I start writing again, I realized that I was gaining something big from her too… that it isn’t a one way street. I was inspired by her story. She inspired me so much, that I came to realize that it is the time for me to take this big step that will surely make or break every important relationship with the people I value the most.

I brought her ‘once had feelings’ back. And she brought me the feeling of “its time”, which is absolutely huge and new for me.
I’m glad we found these new feelings.

We are indeed an NFF – a New Found Feeling.

Postcripts To A BloodBath - Bang Lu Min Survivor, Quirino Bloodbath

2010-08-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

Postcripts To A BloodBath

Mr. Mendoza was already upset even before he saw on television what the policemen did to his brother. The other tourists who remained inside the bus were complaining. Wei Ji Jiang wanted to go to the bathroom. Dao Chi Yu was hungry and the rest were just groaning and whining like they have forgotten that our lives rest in Mr. Mendoza's hands.

The hostage taker, as you know him was really nice. He treated us okay and even let the elders and the children leave the bus. He said your policemen treated him unfairly. He was a policeman too and was accused of doing something he had no knowledge of. But your government didn't listen so he used us to get everyone's attention.

Things would have never turned for the worst if he didn't see how his family was dragged out of their house and taken into custody. He was watching the news all the time as we huddled around each other behind the bus. He shouted some words in your language then started shooting in the air. A girl about my age started screaming. Mr. Mendoza demanded her to stop but she didn't understand English. God, he had to slash her neck with a knife just to put her to rest. Her boyfriend who tried to hit him was shot in the head.

Tension was rising. You can see in his face how scared and confused he was. The bus driver ran away leaving him alone with strangers from a distant land. I can see him walking across the aisle, sometimes pointing his machine gun to one of the tourists. But he tried his best not to hurt us, especially those who really cooperate.

I guess its in your nature not to inflict pain on others unless it was necessary. I remember him saying that he will free us before sundown and implored us to forget everything when we return home. But his words don't matter now. The policemen were trying to force their way in, while we all lied down to shield ourselves from bullets. Mister Mendoza blindly shoots at his enemies which I think kept them from rescuing us. I hear sobs under the chairs. Some were even shouting the names of their loved ones even when the air merely eat their words. Kevin Tang tried to escape when the glass door was was shattered, but one shot and he slumped on the floor with blood gushing from his mouth.

Heavy rain pitter-pattered on the rooftop. In old Chinese saying, it means an end to a struggle. Finally, somebody was able to open the escape hatch at the back of the bus. Freedom. But I knew Mister Mendoza was still alive. I knew he was just waiting for a chance to strike back at his enemies. So I told those around me not to escape. Let the authorities come for us instead. Then there was gunfire. He was firing at his enemies with a machine gun. Those who were at the escape hatch fled abandoning us once again. It's like a nightmare with no end and to wake up means a certain death. Then somebody from outside the bus threw a canister. It forced out a black smoke that is so painful to the eyes and putrid smelling to the nose. People started screaming. We cannot breathe. Some ran in front of the bus but Mister Mendoza warned them of stray bullets. It was too late. One was hit on the head, the other was hit on the shoulders. Bullets were now flying. Its like the authorities thought we were all dead. Mister Mendoza finally admits his mistake and said sorry to everyone, dead or alive. He then ran towards the front of the bus where he would meet his maker. As he passed by my chair with bullets whistling overhead, I clutched my hand on the velvet curtain and wrapped it around my face. All I could think of was to stay alive - for my child who is waiting for me back in Xinjang. I know I will survive,

I will come home.

Bang Lu Min
Survivor, Quirino Bloodbath

Can You Blame Me?

2009-09-12T02:20:00.000-07:00

For almost a decade, i bared my soul to you. And each time, you never made me feel you cared about how i feel. I felt rejected. There were nights I was crying myself to sleep. Did you even notice? And if you did, did you even bother to ask me why? No, you didn't.

And now, that I have finally found someone whom i can talk to, whom i can bare my soul with, who made me feel they care, when all of these things i should be getting from you, can you blame me for actually giving this person the attention that i have been giving you for almost a decade that you never gave a damn about? can you blame me?

Daddy's Gurl...

2009-06-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

Being a father of 8 crazy children and 5 apos is a never ending torture. But my dad, does it just like a breeze of the wind during summer.

I will never forget how he always manages to bring a sumptuous meal on our table in spite the crisis and the number of mouths to be fed.
I will never forget how he always make every occasion very special in his most simple way.
I will never forget how he always manages his time to attend school meetings, presentations, his work, his responsibility as a lay minister in our parish and his extra curricular activity - mountaineering that is.
I will never forget how quietly he keeps to himself all the worries so we don't have to worry ourselves.
I will never forget how good he is in telling jokes as same as gospel stories.

I will never forget when he became my prince charming, stormed at my school without thinking how does he look when he heard i just got out from a hostage drama.
I will never forget how he always bring me boquet of flowers everytime i have theater presentation. take note, he does make an entrance, stopping the entire curtain call. hehehe!!!
I will never forget how he proudly went in front of my college batch mates with their parents and said "yang mga anak nyo, kahit ano pa ang mga kalokohan ng mga yan nag iisa lang yan". most of them were moved and was left teary eyed.
I will never forget how he kissed my forehead to say sorry for he did not allow me to go to Bacolod with Mama. (and i was pretending to sleep)
I will never forget how he makes "lambing" up to this time and asks me to sit on his lap.
I will never forget how he calls me sweetheart or wishart.
I will never forget how he makes me dye his hair on Sundays.
I will never forget how he said "you are almost a daddy's girl".

Well... i am proclaiming myself as one!

I AM A DADDY'S GURL. and I AM DAMN PROUD OF IT.

To my daddy-o, sir john, daddy lolo, bibi, butch, tito john, john f. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY. YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND. I am truly blessed to have you as my dad. I am and forever will be a PROUD DAUGHTER.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

THANK YOU FOR BEING THE GREATEST MAN IN MY LIFE.

and to all the FATHERS - special mention my kuya Ryan, you are one of a kind! It does take a whole lot of everything to be deserving for the title FATHER.

The Last Phone Call

2009-06-19T14:03:00.000-07:00

"... hello?...."
"nasan ka?"
"nasa room mo?"
..............................

"...magsalita ka naman..."
"... please..."
.........
.........
" i love you..."

* tears continued to flow and is still flowing for as long as i can still hear the voice repeating over and over my head...

Purple Violets turned BLACK...

2009-06-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

after a month and 5 days...

just like what happened 16 years ago...

its gone again, just like that. its over.

promises are indeed made to be broken.

is it too much to say that "i wish it never came back if it weren't meant to stay?"

F*cking Liars...

2009-05-25T02:17:00.000-07:00

I have never felt so betrayed my entire life... not until last night.

F*ck you all liars.

Relationship 101

2009-05-21T23:58:00.000-07:00

After all the love, lust, thrills and excitements... a once in a while but soulful conversation will keep you together.

Purple Violets...

2009-05-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, I met an old friend.

We reminisced those good ol' days and re-acquainted ourselves. Secrets were revealed and some feelings were restored.

We may be miles apart and years has been counted before we were able to just speak with each other again... but we both know that we're still close, we're still us... just the way we used to be... just grew older...

i miss you bogus!

i love you, always have, and always been.

On this day, I salute...

2009-05-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

...these women in my life who continuously inspire me with their wisdom, strength and, passion.

To my friends; ayen, bambi, claris, kat and nica, who are in the early stage of motherhood.
To my sisters ate kermin and chryss.
To my 2nd mothers; lola and mama.
To the mothers of ALL my friends.

Most of all, to my one and only mommie - pat, momi pat, mommy lola - who is not just a mother, but a so much loved sister and a best friend.

and to all the mothers in the world...

Thank you and a salute for being just who you are.

Define H.A.P.P.I.N.E.S.S

2009-04-24T01:32:00.001-07:00

having someone who can dig you... into your soul.

Lonely but not alone.

2009-04-24T01:27:00.000-07:00

I am, for quite sometime now. No matter how many friends and parties, surrounds me… no matter how my family and I keep in touch…

Drowning myself with work, goals, superficial happiness has been a very good and effective façade to protect myself. I got hurt (bigtime!) and I am sure I am not ready to through with it again.

But at the end of the day, the feeling of “something is missing” is still there and it keeps on growing. Many are willing to commit, I just don’t want to for so many reasons. Until someone has told me, “bakit kasi para sayo, lahat kailangan may dahilan? Hindi naman lahat merong dahilan.” (why do you always look for reasons, when not everything has).

Reality has slapped me once again, and then I realized, feeling lonely when not alone….is a choice.

DISCLAIMER: needed to translate in english for my dear friend Shireen!

Jacks - Love & Other Disasters...

2009-04-24T01:23:00.000-07:00

Maybe true love is a decision. You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody. Maybe love isn't something that happens to you. Maybe it's something you have to choose.

suddenly... i think i am..

2009-01-31T01:52:00.000-08:00

i've been smoking and drinking lately... more than i used to be...

is this it? the one that they've been telling us about that it is harder the second time?

after 14 months of being away from my comfort zone, being independent and domesticated, being a foreigner...

suddenly... i think i am...

homesick.

RISK...

2009-01-17T04:41:00.000-08:00

"Bakit tayo takot lumundag sa walang kasiguraduhan? Papaano natin malalaman kung hindi tayo tatapak sa dilim?" - Caregiver 2008

This made me thinking... oo nga naman. Life is all about taking risks anyway.

Balik PINAS Bucket List...

2008-12-29T01:03:00.000-08:00

Kumain sa:

Jollibee - Chicken Joy, Gravy, Jolly Hotdog, Regular Yum with cheese
KFC - GRAVY
Behrouz - Ox BRAIN
Super Bowl
Chowking - Beef siomai
Estrel's
ISAW
TAHO
KWEK KWEK sa Grace
Odd Balls sa Grand Central
Lots a Pizza
Ice scramble

Meet with:

Solar friends
College friends
High School Chums
Special People
Other friends

Pumunta sa:

Divi
Greenhills

Magpakalasing
Magpaka Saya
Mamili (kung may pera pa)

SUPER GUEST

2008-12-29T00:15:00.000-08:00

The moment that the plane landed at NAIA, i had a relief. Not only from the trip and 21 days away from work but also from the strangers (kabayan or not) who keeps on bugging you for your number, name, etc. Whether their intention is for being less, more or just a friend is still sometimes irritating. i though it was over. but i was wrong. on my 2nd week here, dayday and i had late lunch at Big Buddah in Greenbelt 3 while waiting for our college friends and our 2 angels (http://mgalarawanigem.multiply.com/photos/album/40), a waiter came up to me in the middle of my meal to ask if they can have their picture taken with me so they can have it posted in their "Super Guest" board outside the resto. What's so super in me? hahaha!!! maybe because we ordered more than they expected to think that we are just 2 petite ladies (with a very big appetite!) hehehe!!! It is still quite an experience though, i just hope that, that would increase their sales! hehehe!!!

Have You Ever Asked Yourself WHY....

2008-11-01T05:35:00.000-07:00

people can be so cruel to you? is it just the way they are? do they enjoy being one? i guess not.

maybe it is just brought about by not so good experiences from the past. you could have wronged them that you are unaware of...

sometimes, you really have to think and look at yourself first before judging these people. it might just backfire at you.

maybe they just have the every right to be one to you...

My Dad's Letter to His Other Women Left a Tear in My Eye...

2008-07-05T01:30:00.000-07:00

His emotions must have been eating him up that caused some mispelled and missing words. Please bare with him.

Received:
Friday, July 4, 2008 4:25:55 AM (bahrain time)

To my other women in my my life,

Thank you for putting up the funds so that your mom and i can watch the lettermen and spiral staircase last night at araneta colisuem

We were both excited that we made paalam from our respective offices to allow us to leave at 5pm so we'll have plenty of time braving the traffic to cubao and have dinner together.

After parking at Gateway 3rd level under, we proceeded to find a good restaurant that will cater to our fancy and tastebuds that evening. We finally chose Italiannis. as usual i ordered grilled peppered fish and mom ordered seafood fettucini. the food's great just don't ask us how much we spent for that dinner. by today's standard where everybody's hard up, we spent a fortune. hehehe

on to the show. at the gate, mom was so frustrated when the gateguard asked her to finish her coffee outside, bawal sa loob. and to think that she made pila at coffee bean only to be stopped at the gate. hehehe. tapon, syempre.

the first act was upton of spiral staircase. still a very good singer inspit of his age. the audience gave him a thunderous applaus and sang with him. well' your mom knew all the sogns upton sang last night. age is showing...

after short intermission, the lettermen came onstage. the music still carried the nostalgic
and love themes of the song, beautifully rendered by the trio. Almost all of the pinoys favorite were sung and they also knew how to play the crowd. they should, after all they've been in business for 48 years and been coming to the philippines for past many years.

i don't know about your mom, but me? ( i enjoyed it very much.)

but i was doubly happy and elated observing your mom all through out the evening. she was applauding the performance with much gusto, kulang na lang tumayo at tumili. nag comment pa! hindi raw marunong mag appreciate young mga katabi nya. surrounded kami ng mgs pinoy-chinese of our age level. hindi sila masyadong pumapalakpak. baka kaya matanggal ang mga diamante sa mga singsing nil pag nag clap ng hands. but laer on patapos na, bumigay din. hahahaha

i think your mom really enjoyed the show. there was one time she refused to go to the C R saying marami pa segurong tao, during another break. but i know may apprehension sya baka mag simula na. hehehe

in the second part of the show, the lettermen cam on-stage wearing barong tagalog. they sang many pinoy classics. i thought they only knew dahil sayo. i was wrong, they sang 5 more filipino classics to the delight of the audience. then they reverted back to their own classics.

overall, the show was an outstanding success.

io think mom had tears in her eyes. am not just too sure. hehehe

any i just want to thank you guys for contributing whatever amount each of you can afford to give us a memorable evening.

luv ya all.

Bakit Ayoko ng mga Pelikulang mga Labing Labing

2008-05-24T01:34:00.000-07:00

kasi nakakairita ang mga pa tweetums na artista at mga banat na pick up lines.
kasi hindi naman nangyayari ang mga yun sa totoong buhay, lalong lalo na ang mga ideal na partner.
kasi feeling ko na-bo-bobo ako.

kasi... kasi... kasi...

kasi madami akong naalala.
kasi naiisip ko ung nakaraan
kasi naiisip ko ung ngayon
kasi naiisip ko ung bukas...

Naisip Ko Lang

2008-04-12T01:37:00.000-07:00

na noon...
sa totoo lang...
kaya pala hindi ako maka alis
at taon akong nagtiis
ay hindi dahil
martyr ba ako?
siguro...
takot ako?
oo...
takot ako na baka
pag umalis ako
hindi mo ako sundan....

... hindi nga

The Man of my Life

2007-05-31T01:39:00.000-07:00

I cant feel my feet as i walk briskly towards Centennial Airport's International Arrival area. The plane just landed. And as he walked out from the arrival door I did not recognize him. Was it because he was gone for a long time? Or maybe is it because he lost some weight, haven't been to a barber shop? Oh well, what the heck! Deep inside I know it is him. As he walks near where I am standing, it feels like everything stopped. I drew my arms around him. He hugged me back. No words were uttered but our hearts spoke how much we missed each other. I almost forgot that there were people around and that we are still in the airport, I dont want to take my arms off him. But then, I almost couldn't hold onto my emotions that I almost cried. And so I dont want to make a scenario, I finally let go of him and placed the lei of orchids around his neck. Pictures were taken. Smiles seems to be plastered in our faces.

As we walk towards the parking area, having him beside me, my arm anchored to his, it felt like walking on the clouds. Along the way to the venue for his surprise victory/ welcome party, the rain started to pour. and it poured hard. But we did not mind. We did not mind the traffic, the level of water starting to rise, the loud roar of thunders. While enjoying the car ride with him, other members of the family patiently and excitedly awaits for us. And when we finally got there, banners were put up, my brothers and sisters applauded him and my nephews and niece ran towards him.

Yes it is my DAD alright. Just came back from EVEREST Advanced Base Camp. He is the MAN behind the KAYA ng PINAY Expedition (He is one of the Expedition Leader for this) . From getting the money, ex deals, promotions etc. up to the real thing. The man is 58, and we all know that at that age, there are already a lot of health conditions, but still HE MADE IT. THE TEAM MADE IT, without sacrificing their health and lives. They just took the risk. and with the help of prayers and faith, MISSION was ACCOMPLISHED.

The moment he told me that after Leo Oracion and Pastour Emata's successful reaching the summit, they are going to have another climb - and that is the KAYA ng PINAY - I believed in him. I supported him. He was always in my prayers. I always talk about him. I listen to him. He always had me behind him. It is the least I can do for ALL the support he gave me for all my endeavours.

I can still remember after trekking to acclimatize themselves, before going to Everest proper, he emails us and told us not to worry, he feels healthy and strong. and the part that really made me shed a tear was when he said that : " this climb is for you (meaning US - his family)"

It is a dream come true for every mountaineer to step a foot on Everest. He did. He also helped others to have their foot step there.

And the most important thing among his accomplishments is that he remained HUMBLE.

I am so happy for him. No words can ever describe how happy and how proud I am for his success, for having him as my father and having myself as his daughter. He is the man of my life... and forever he will be.

Now I Know...

2007-05-29T01:40:00.000-07:00

The following were said and asked to me but I wasn't able to understand what those really meant nor give a convincing answer at that moment.

when u grow up, u will be able to do all the things that u want to but of course it will entail a lot of responsibilities. - mom
meron ka ngang kaibigan at pamilya, pero iba pa din kapag sa special somoene mo nanggagaling ang love, care, attention etc. - dez
when will you say enough is enough? - apol
martyr ka ba? - jean
i know how great your love is. its because despite of all the pains that i have caused you, you dont hurt me back... even if you know you can... - joyce

.... Now i know.... thanks to all of you...

2 Most Stupid Questions... Ever...

2007-05-24T01:41:00.000-07:00

1. tol... anu pakiramdam ng maputi (duh?! dko pa naramdaman ang maging maitim; unat sa kulot pwede pa!)
2. may kamot ka ba? (tanong mula sa ka blind date ng kaibigan ko)

Pagmamahal nga yan Kung...

2007-05-22T01:46:00.001-07:00

kung sa likod ng lahat ng pasakit na nakukuha mo ay ndi ka nananakit...

...kahit alam mong kaya mo...

Lalim

2007-05-22T01:46:00.000-07:00

Sumusulat ako sa pag asang may makakarinig ng aking tinig.
ng aking panaghoy. ng aking pag susumamo.

Sumusulat ako sa pag asang may isang nilalang na makababatid sa boses ng aking kaluluwa.

Kaluluwang lumuluha sa lahat ng pasakit ng pakabigo, ng mga tanong na hindi sinasagot, ng pagtataksil.

Malalim na ang sugat na kahit kailan ay hindi naman nag hilom. Bagkus ay unti unti pang lumalalim.

Hindi ko mahugot sa sobrang lalim.

Hindi ko masimulan.

... ang lalim...

Para sa Akin ang Tunay na Macho ay

2007-05-22T01:44:00.000-07:00

1. umiiyak, at ndi ito ikinahihiya.
2. inaamin ang tunay na nararamdaman, kasiyahan, kalungkutan, pagkabigo, pagkabalisa.
3. nag iinarte sa tamang lugar at sa tamang panahon.
4. nagtatanong.
5. nagsasalita.
6. may paninidigan.
7. may pangarap.

at higit sa lahat.....

hindi ginagawang dahilan ang kanyang kasarian para:

1. masunod ang gusto. (sa lahat ng bagay)
2. ma justify ang isang cliche.

sa maiklng salita hindi nagsasabing ng:

1. "okay lang yun! lalaki naman ako e!"
2. "e kasi lalaki ako!"
3. " hindi ako ang dapat na gumagawa nyan kasi lalaki ako!"
4. "lalaki ako! lalaki ako! lalaki ako! lalaki ako!!!"

FIRST TIME KO... IKAW FIRST TIME MO?

2006-05-12T01:48:00.000-07:00

First time kong napalo… grade one ata un, sa tig isang paa, ako daw kasi ang pasimuno kaya dalawa sa akin, sinturon ni daddy, umakayat kami ng kapatid kong si marie sa bubong, e dna kami makababa kasi nasarado ko ung pinto ng fire exit na siyang dinaanan naming papuntang bubong na nasa kwarto , e walang makapasok sa kwarto kasi ni-lock ko. Buti na lang may susi si mama, nabuksan ang kwarto.

First time kong tumungtong sa entablado, kinder one, pinakanta ako ng when you wish upon a star para sa parent's assembly (dun na nagsimulang kumapal ang mukha ko) actually madami kami, pero ako leader, nasa akin ang mic e, hehehe! sa totoo lang ndi ko na talga maalala un, nakita ko lng ung picture.

First time kong uminom….elementary pa lang ako nun, mga grade 1-3, pinainom kami ng daddy ko pale pilsen, practice niya sa isang bowling tournament. Nagpaparactice siya, kami din ng kuya ko nakikiparctice, habang umiinom.

First time kong mag yosi… ganong edad din… buhay pa lolo kong sundalo, iniwan nya sa ashtray yosi nya, umakyat siya para mag banyo, hinithit ko…

First time kong makasakay sa eroplano, mga grade one ata o grade two, papuntang Bicol… ASTIG!!!

First time kong makasali sa academic contest grade three, parang extemporaneous speaking sa Filipino, dahil biglaang nawala ung totoong kasali, sa awa ni madre ignacia, nanalo nman ako third place! San ka pa?! walang preparation un!

First time kong nakapangibang bansa, bakasyon ng grade 3, sa Saipan, para dalawin ang daddy kong naka assign doon.

First time kong makasakay sa sasakyang pandagat, ferry ata un, nung nagpunta ako sa Saipan, para pumunta sa isang isla para magswimming. Pag uwi ko ng pinas, kirara na ako. (doon sasakay ako sa mga sasakyang pandagat kasi malinis ang tubig, dito takot ako, mamatay ka sa tetano sa tubig dito noh!)

First time kong nakipag away…. Grade four ako… ang kaaway ko grade six… inaaway kasi nila ung kapatid kong sumunod sa akin na si marie.(ang tapang ko pala…hahaha)

First time kong umawit sa entablado with dance number, costume at make up, production number talgah at nagpabayad ako in short CONCERT!!! bakasyon ng grade four, sa heartbeat, nag voice lesson kasi ako sa Center for Pop Music of the Philippines e parang un na ang finals namin.

First time kong umarte… grade four, isinali ako sa isang monologue contest ng teacher ko… ewan ko ba kung bakit!!?? (tama naman ang desisiyon nila at dun na talaga tuluyang kumapal ang mukha ko)

First time kong umakyat sa entablado para tumanggap ng award, grade four ata o grade five , champion ako sa contest sa REL ED. Mag eexplain ng bible passage (me pagka religious at understanding nman ako nun! Hehehe!)

First time kong umarte sa entablado.. grade six, sa "bakit mga babae ang naghuhugas ng pinggan. Napakaliit na parte, pero nakakatuwa, lalaki pa ako dun. Hahaha!

First time kong todo na inom sa padis point timog, second year highschool, kasama ang barkada.

First time kong todo na yosi second year high school, ako lang mag isa sa kwarto ko.

------------------------------------dito na nagsimula ang bisyo ko!---------------------------------------------

First time kong nagkaroon ng relasyon… second year high school pero lahat joke time…

First time kong nagkaboypren second year high school dahil sa isang kaibigan na si Juvy, kaibigan niya kasi un e. At hanggang ngayon ndi pa nasundan! Meron na sana ngayon, pero ndi natuloy kasi nag back out siya, buti na lang kasi ngayon napatunayan ko na isa talga siyang asshole.

First time kong may makarelasyon na medyo seryoso… third year… kay 11.

First Time kong nagdirek, sa isang tableau nung fourth year high school, buhay ni madre ignacia, at nanalo kami 1st place!!! Wahooo!!!! (go fidelity batch 1999-2000!!!)

First time kong magmahal ng totoo, fourth year high school na tumagal ng isang taon at limang buwan…. Niloko pa ako… pero lately ko lang nalaman na niloko pala ako… shet diba?!

Kaya….

First time kong nasatktan nun na dinala ko ng taon…. Shet ulit to the NTH level.

First time kong malasaing, first year college, (hindi ako naglasing dahil sa statement sa itaas ha) sa bahay ni nica, pomgin, kasama ko pinsan kong over cooked na si jr (san ka na ba? miss na kita! Paramdam ka naman!), sumuka ako sa kwarto ng nanay ni Nica (nakakahiya? Ndi rin, kasi siya nagpainom sa akin e, ung nanay ni nica!!! TITA!!! INOM PA TAYO), ang sinuka ko? Shomai! ndi ako nakauwi.shet!

First time kong mamatayan ng kaibigan, 1st year college, si carol, ung barkada namin nung high school, at siya na ang guardian angel ko at naming buong tropa… ang sakit din nun… sobra :'c

First time kong nagkarelasyon na tumagal ng mahigit sa isang taon, 2nd year college, kay nabnab. Salamat ha. She picked me up when that someone left me like a shattered glass. Wala akong ibang masasabi sa kanya, sobrang bait at napaka IDEAL nya. PROMISE!!!

First time kong magka role na matinong tao at babae (madalas kasi lalaki ako at palaging ako ang joke time) graduating ako sa college bilang si Lupe sa Tatarin, isa din ako sa nag direk, kasama ko c agnes sa pagdidirek. Ay diyos ko po, napakhinhin at submissive nitong si Lupe muntikan ko ng hindi kayanin! Sobrang opposite kaya kami sa totoong buhay!

First time kong kumita ng sarili kong pera, May ng 2004 bilang tech support sa Convergys.

First time kong maging delinkwente ung kahit na anong matripan ginagawa mga July-August last year. Kasma ko c Reg at c apol, pano pare pareho kaming walang trabaho. Magkakasama kami ng gabi hanggang umaga, tapos magkikita kita ulit kami mamayang gabi ng umagang un. Uuwi para matulog, maligo. Ang ginagawa namin? Inom, tumambay, magkulitan, manood, yosi, inom, tambay, kulitan at marami pang iba….

First time kong makakin ng ginataang mais at tinapay noong mga panahong delngkwente ako, sa bahay ni Reg. Pwede pala yun!!! natuto ako kina Reg at apol nun e.

First time kong tumagal sa trabaho… NGAYON… isang taon at 6 months na ako!!! Dito sa Solar Entertainment Corporation, sa 2ND AVENUE.

First time kong may maipatanggal sa trabaho dahil sa pagmamahal ko sa mga pamangkin ko at sa sister in law ko… nung May 1 lang. ung kabit ng kapatid ko ang natanggal.

Ikaw??? First time mo ba?

Kasama ba kita sa mga first time ko? Sabihan mo ako ng maidagdag natin dito….

Self Realization of a Woman

2006-02-18T01:49:00.000-08:00

It was a Saturday morning a day of rest from a long week day of stress. I jumped out of my bed with a dvd of 50 first dates at hand. Since I haven't seen the movie yet, and I just wanted to chill, why not give the film a try? I have been a mushy film hater. I don't know, I just find it sooooo pathetic. Well except for those VERY FEW ONES… anyways, as the track keeps on playing and playing I just realized that there were tears running through my cheeks. I have always been so unaffected with films of that genre that is why I was so surprised that I was moved and touched by the film. Well to those who haven't seen the movie yet, it is about falling in love with a person who forgets all that has happened that day the moment she woke up the next day because of a serious accident.

The movie ended and I am still puzzled WHY?! What is happening to me? I just have this feeling that I couldn't understand nor express, that I couldn't help but cry. I walked up the stairs and entered my room. As I closed the door I was totally succumbed by this feeling that I bursted into tears…

While I was crying my heart out for about a minute or so, it came to me that to love and be loved is the most wonderful feeling one could ever feel. It would be wonderful to have someone in your life who would make you fall in love with him each and every day of your life. I remembered a friend saying… 'sana mahanap na tayo nung someone na talagang magmamahal sa atin ng tunay". . . yes, I agree, don't look for love, love will find you…

I cried definitely NOT because I am single. But because of the realization that there will come a point in your life that you would need someone, someone who could fill your emptiness. There will always be a soft spot in you no matter how strong you are. Even if you are a woman with balls!

And I think I am beginning to reach that point…

I am not looking for one… He will find me...

It is indeed tough to stay single in this world where everybody expects you to be with somebody. But staying single is not about having no choice, rather it is a result of making INTELLIGENT CHOICES Wink

Ay.. Gagu Ka?

2005-11-27T01:50:00.000-08:00

sa wakas. . .
nagkaroon din ako ng pagkaktaon na maisulat ang lahat ng bagay na nagsusuntukan sa aking isip. . .
pati ang mga damdaming kumukurot sa aking puso. . .

mabigat ang dinadala ko.

mabigat ang mga tanong.

hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pero lapitin ako ng mga taong "islaw palitaw" - lulubog lilitaw.

bigla biglang susulpot.

at

bigla biglang maglalaho.

parang ginagago ka.

diba nakakagago?

ang galing magsalita...

kasi dun lang sila magaling...

mga taong walang paninidigan

mga duwag

mga walang kwenta.

pwede ba kung magpaparamdam ka tapos mawawala ka din lang e wag ka na lang magparamdam.

kahit kailan...

kunwari patay ka na...

ganun din naman un diba?

tama na. . .

masyado mo na ako ginagago.

pero kung gaguhan ang gusto e sabihin mo para naman masabayan kita diba?

gago!

................................................

mabuti na lang at mayroon pa din mga totoong tao...

di bale na ang kaunti basta totoo.

salamat sa inyo, kilala nyo ang mga sarili ninyo.

Halika Kaibigan... Usap Tayo...

2005-08-18T01:52:00.000-07:00

Ano bang problema mo?

Wala. . . (yosi…. yosi…)

Wala daw e nakakailang kaha ka na ng yosi jan

…..katahimikan….

…..nakabibinging katahimikan…. Mga usok lang ng yosi ang nagpapalitan……

hhaaayyy…… alam mo yun….

……talagang hhhaaayyyy…. Nagsimula na rin magsalita ang isa sa inyo, akala ko pipi na kayo at ako naman bingi……

nagsasawa na ako….. ayoko na….

saan na naman? Sa sitwasyon? Sa mga nangyayari?

Hindi lang….. sa kanya…..

Sabi ko naman sayo e, tanggalin mo na helmet mo

Alam ko! Matagal ko nang alam yan!

E matagal na pala e bakit…..

Nagpapakatanga ako?! Ha? Un ba ang gusto mong sabihin?

Hindi naman sa ganon…. Kaya lang parang wala naman xa sa lugar…

Alam ko!

Teka nga muna! Punyetah! Wag mo 'ko tarayan ha! Hindi ako ang kaaway mo!

…..katahimikan na naman……

sorry…. ……. …… alam ko naman e. matagal ko nang alam na nagpapakatanga ako sa kanya kahit alam kong wala siya sa lugar. At nasasaktan ako sa tuwing nagkakaganun sya dahil ako ang napapahiya e…. nasasaktan din ako na sa tuwing nagkakaganon sya kung anu-ano ang nasasabi nyo against her….. pero….

Pero hindi mo pinapansin?!

Bakit?

……katahimikan……yosi…….katahimikan……yosi……

tanong ka pa….. sakit e…. napakasakit isipin na of all people, siya pa. Finding the imperfect person perfect pala ah…. Di rin siguro….alam mo….alam mo kung bakit ako nasasaktan? Kung bakit ako umiiyak? Kasi… she's imperfect, I am too. We both have our own imperfections. But her imperfections made her perfect. Tanggap ko ang lahat lahat sa kanya…. Na magakaiba kami ng utak, na ganyan siya kung ano sya nagyon. And I love every single detail of her. Pero diba… hindi naman porket tanggap mo e hindi ka na masasaktan? Sobra na kasi e…. ayoko na….pero alam mo kung ano ang pinakamasakit dun?

Ano?

Ayaw ko aminin sa sarili ko ang lahat ng iyon.

Akala ko ba mahal mo at di ka kumpleto ng wala siya?

Oo nga. Pero kasi ibinigay ko na lahat e.lahat ng pagiitindi, pagsasakripisyo binigay ko na sa kanya…. Ubos na ubos na ako… wala na akong maibibigay pa….ginawa ko un hindi lang dahil nakukumpleto nya ako, para sa aming dalawa, para sa kanya. Hindi naman siya matuto-tuto e. hindi ko makitang pinahahalagahan nya iyon….

Baka naman kaya siya nagkakkaganyan dahil sa bumabalik si ano?

Oo nga…

E kaya naman pala e….

What do you mean?

Baka naman kasi ikaw din ang nagtutulak sa kanya na magkaganun? I mean, u cant blame her, you and ano got a past and she wants u back. And besides, she told me na you're totally different everytime ano is around. Iba ang tawa mo. Basta masaya ka daw…

Ano? Ganun lang ba un? Ha? Porket ba hindi ako ganon ka lakas tumawa pag kasama siya hindi na ako masaya? Ganun ba ang tingin nya sa kin? Ganun lang ba kababaw ang pakahulugan niya sa happiness? At saka sinabi ko na naman at alam naman din ni ano na mahal ko si siya at di ko iiwan si siya for her, unless siya will push me to. Alam mo yun? Ilang tao na ang sumubok na bumalik pero siya pa rin ang pinili ko kasi siya lng ang gusto ko, wala ng iba, siya lang, siya lang ang mahal ko.

Mahal mo pala e bakit di mo ipaglaban?

Ang dami dami na anming pinagdaanan, marami ang nanira, pero lumaban ako, lumaban siya, ipinaglaban namin ang isa't isa… pero ang hirap kasi kapag siya na mismo ang sumisira sa inyo… kapag siya na ang kalaban…. Lumalaban ako para sa amin, para sa kanya pero hinihila nya ako at itinutulak ako sa bagay na pinaka iniiwasan ko…. Iniiwasan ko para sa kanya…. Hindi ko na kaya…..

……katahimikan……yosi…….katahimikan……yosi……

……katahimikan……yosi…….katahimikan……yosi……

……katahimikan……yosi…….katahimikan……yosi……

mAh eVoLutiOn. . .

2005-08-18T01:51:00.001-07:00

Concieved on Valentines day…. **** My birthday is on November ; ) ****

It's time, I want to see the world RIGHT NOW, my Dad drove from kaloocan to Makati so I guess you know what happened. . .

We did not make it to the delivery room, just at Makati Medical Center's EMERGENCY DRIVE WAY.

Got out from mah mother's womb ALL BY MYSELF! TAKE NOTE: FEET FIRST!

And because of that… my dad said: naku! Lumabas ang bituka ni Pat!

(my mom's name)

Birthplace? IN TRANSIT. In our yellow Brenda Ford car.

My name should really be BRENDA because of the incident. But the history still manifests though… BRENDAmage

Deprived of being with the other babies in the nursery room…

(I might be a carrier of an epidemic because of all the germs I got from my beloved Brenda!)

And so I stayed with my mom's room during my first day here,

I was an addict right there and then, got meds running through mah veins in. . .

guess where the needle was..

not in may hands you stupid! It was in may head! (para siguro diretso tama sa ulo! Hahahaha!)

Cradle caps is normal for babies…

but since I started (or should I say got out) with a blast my show must go on!

I have them ALL OVER my body! (got sensitive skin eh!) and so I am MOST of the time during my baby days in the room, less picture taken.

WHY?! I look like a snaked skin baby!

But then again. . .

I evlolved.

Took voice lesson, gained confidence, had a concert.

Started acting and performing.

Earned awards and respect.

Lost in some competitions. Got foes and friends.

Been inlove, been hurt, been cheated on, been asked to come back.

Been to places. . .

Lost a dear friend.

Always been proud of my family.

Learned.

Failed.

Learning. . .

ALL of these are my foundation of who I am now.

To those who are still walking with me in this journey,

I salute you, we still have a long way to go.

To those who tried and left,

thank you… u don't know what you are missing! Hehehe!

To those who have never ever attempted… just don't!

Sana

2005-08-18T01:51:00.000-07:00

So anong plano mo?

Ewan…. Ndi ko alam

Pano? Pababayaan mo na lang na ganyan?

Hindi.

E ano?| bakit hindi ka gumawa ng paraan?

Bakit ako?|

At bakit hindi?

Hindi mo kasi ak naiintindihan e.

Edi ipaliwanag mo

Di ko nga rin maintindihan sarili ko e

Labo mo naman pala kausap e

Alam mo yun…dati hindi ko sya matiis

A so ngayon tinitiis mo siya?

Hindi rin.

E ano?|

Parang walang bumubulong at nagtutulak sa akin na cge na tawagan mo na… o kaya itxt mo na…

Ganon? E hinahanap hanap mo ba naman siya?

Hindi rin…

Naku mukhang mairap na ata yan ah… iba nay an tsong.

Iba na nga…. Malalim na…

So pano? Wala na talaga? Di na talaga kayo maguusap forever?

Di naman cgro….

E ano nga??!!!!

Kailangan ko lang magpahinga….

Tapos?

Bahala na…

Hindi pwede yun!

Alam ko! E sa hindi ko nga alam e!

Haynako…. Maayos din yan…

Siguro…

Oo naman… di pa naman huli ang lahat… diba?

Sana….

Trust me... i found mine.. i hope you find yours...

2005-07-08T01:52:00.000-07:00

It is always said "don't be afraid to fall in love. . . it may hurt you of course but it'll hurt a lot more when u don't give your love a chance". Loving is such a risk, but I tell you, no matter what happened with your relationship, you are never the loser. No one loses by loving. You only lose by holding back.It may be you or the other person who left; it may be your fault or the other's.

Whatever argument that you have there will only have one reason: we let them go and they let us go. It's better to lose our pride for the one we love, rather than lose the one we love because of our senseless pride.

If you are thinking of getting into a new relationship, don't ask yourself if I am ready to love again. Instead, ask: Am I ready to get hurt?

Saying these three powerful words "I LOVE YOU" is a major decision for every human being. One must be READY TO COMMIT, TO FIGHT AND, TO STAND BY THOSE WORDS FOREVER.

Remember. Love may leave your heart like a shattered glass, BUT keep in mind that there is SOMEONE who will be willing to endure the pain of picking up the pieces so you can be whole again.

Trust me. I found mine. I hope you find yours..